Captain’s Log – 0600 hours – Baltic Sea – My men and I have surfaced near Gdansk where we stopped for McDonald’s Hamburgers (made with imperialist swine) and some Polish beer. We are testing our Zlatoust diving watches (AKA the CCCP diver) made at the Zlatoust factory in our glorious Russian homeland.
The ladies seem to love our beautiful mechanical watches. They stare at them when we come to shore, giggling behind their peasant Gucci bags and talking about us, and our massive timepieces, in melodic Finnish when we come into Helsinki.
When we were first issued these watches, we Diversants, the creme de la vodka of the Russian Armed Forces, laughed at these things. After all, they are 3 inches in diameter and an inch thick. We laughed heartily, I tell you, making jokes to each other that they had run out of alarm clocks to issue us so they had upgraded us to the Grandfather variety. Soon, however, we fell in love with our Zlatousts.
Each piece is individually numbered so everyone, Vlad, Aleksy, Pedro, and the rest, will never mix up their watches. There are two styles, one with a large center seconds hand and another with a smaller seconds register at 9 o’clock. The front screen is removable, but we believe that the screen allows for greater depth resistance. We would estimate that these Zlatoust masterpieces can withstand up to 5 inches of water before bursting into a rain of shrapnel, but don’t take our word for it. We are busy in our submarine.
Each watch comes with a complete repair kit, namely a hard plastic gasket and a small screwdriver for attaching the beautiful faux-rubber band. Upon wearing this watch the first time, we know that our great Fatherland has truly reached the Apex of watchmaking ability, second only to the Aboriginal tribes of deepest Australia and the hissing chimps of Madagascar. By unscrewing the outer bezel, you can remove the thick glass crystal and bare the beautiful lumed face to the elements.
We will soon return to our berths and be on our way once again, patrolling these frigid waters for sea creatures and the occasional spare tire. Our Zlatousts will lie next to us as we sleep. We will rest, safe in the knowledge that if we ever sink, we will not suffer, for the 10oz Zlatousts will carry us down with the ship.
Quality: 2/5
Style: 4/5
Overall: 3/5
— John
